#E9: Understanding Domestic Abuse: Spotting Red Flags And Seeking Help#E9 Understanding Domestic Abuse: Spotting Red Flags and Seeking Help 

In this episode, host Louise Bryant addresses the serious issue of domestic abuse and its various forms. The speaker, a survivor, shares their personal experience of being in an abusive relationship for seven years. The episode provides valuable information to help understand domestic abuse, spot red flags and discover ways to recover, including seeking support from loved ones and professionals. She also talks about financial abuse and honour-based violence, and the importance of recognising the signs and seeking help.

Released June 8th 2023

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  Understanding Domestic abuse and Domestic Violence

  Understanding Red Flags and Helping SurvivorsDomestic abuse is a serious crime that manifests in various forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, psychological manipulation, verbal abuse, and financial abuse.

  Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of their gender, race, or sexual orientation. Survivors of domestic abuse often fear for their safety and that of their loved ones.

  If you are experiencing domestic abuse, the first step towards ensuring your safety is to recognise the warning signs. Isolation, jealousy, controlling behaviour, and verbal abuse are all red flags.

  It is important to note that abuse is not limited to physical violence.

  Financial abuse, which involves limiting access to money, incurring debt, or forcing a partner to quit their job, is also a form of domestic abuse that enables the abuser to control their partner's ability to support themselves and leave the relationship.

  Recognising the warning signs and seeking help is critical to the survival and recovery of survivors of domestic abuse.

  Help is available.

  Support systems like professional help, trusted friends, and the police can offer much-needed assistance to victims of domestic abuse.Survivors of domestic abuse also need to recognise that they are not alone and that abuse is not their fault.

  The trauma of domestic abuse can leave deep emotional scars and require support to heal. Mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and PTSD are common among survivors of domestic abuse. Therefore, it is essential to seek professional help from individuals trained in handling domestic abuse.

  Leaving an abusive relationship can be challenging because it often involves leaving behind assumptions and feelings associated with the relationship.

  Survivors of domestic abuse need support from loved ones.

  Joining support groups or seeking professional help is vital to recovering from the trauma of domestic abuse.

  Survivors of domestic abuse also need to be aware of the different forms that abuse can take, including coercive and controlling behaviour, gaslighting, digital abuse, and emotional abuse, as well as honor-based violence.

  Raising awareness of the forms of abuse can help detect and support those experiencing it.

  In the UK, domestic abuse is a significant problem, with millions of people affected every year.

  It is essential to conduct research and implement training programs to help detect, prevent and support survivors of domestic abuse.

  Domestic abuse training can help professionals provide the support and resources needed to help victims recover.

  In conclusion, domestic abuse is a complicated issue that requires a collective approach in the fight towards ending it.

  Recognising the warning signs and seeking professional help are critical steps towards ensuring the safety of survivors of domestic abuse.

  As a society, we all need to support survivors of domestic abuse by creating awareness of the red flags, providing resources for recovery, and working collectively in the fight against domestic abuse.

  Helplines

  Not all of these helplines have 24-hour availability, visit their website to check when they’re available

  • National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk)

  • National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428; (www.galop.org.uk/domesticabuse)

  • Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (www.rapecrisis.org.uk)

  • National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300 (www.stalkinghelpline.org)

  • Revenge Porn Helpline: 0345 6000 459 (www.revengepornhelpline.org.uk)

  • Scottish Women’s Rights Helpline: 0808 801 0789 (www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk)

  • Rights of Women Family Law: 020 7251 6577 (www.rightsofwomen.org.uk)

  • Rights of Women Immigration and Asylum Law: 020 7490 7689

  • Female Genital Mutilation Protection Helpline: 0800 028 3550

  • Forced Marriage Protection Unit: 020 7000 0151

  • The Samaritans: 116 123 (www.samaritans.org)

  • National Association of People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC): 0808 801 0331

    (www.napac.org.uk)

  • Respect Perpetrator Phoneline: 0808 802 4040 (www.respectphoneline.org.uk)

  🤓 Questions & answers

• 1. What are the different types of abuse?

  -The different types of abuse include physical, psychological, sexual, financial, emotional, and online.

• 2. Can domestic abuse happen to anyone?

  - Yes, anyone can experience domestic abuse regardless of demographics.

• 3. What are the red flags of domestic abuse?

• - Red flags of domestic abuse include isolation, jealousy, controlling behaviour, and verbal abuse.

• 4. What are some effects of domestic abuse on survivors?

  - Survivors may experience mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and PTSD, as well as physical harm like bruises and bone fractures.

• 5. Is domestic abuse always physical violence?

  - No, domestic abuse can manifest in different forms, including physical and verbal abuse.

• 6. What is the cycle of abuse?

  - The cycle of abuse involves an abuser acting nice to win back their partner before starting the abuse again.

• 7. What is financial abuse?

  - Financial abuse can take various forms, including limiting access to money, incurring debt in the partner's name, or forcing them to quit their job.

• 8. What is honor-based violence?

  - Honor-based violence is used to control women's behaviour in certain cultures and practices like forced marriages and female genital mutilation.

• 9. How can survivors of domestic abuse seek help and support?

  - Survivors can seek help from trusted friends, professional help, support groups, and the police.

• 10. What should I do if I suspect someone I know is experiencing domestic abuse?

  - It is critical to seek help if someone you know is experiencing any signs of abuse. You can offer support, encourage them to seek professional help, and provide information on available resources.

Transcript

NOTE: This podcast was transcribed by editing tool, Please forgive any typos or errors

Louise Bryant

This episode is specifically designed for individuals who are looking to gain a better understanding of domestic abuse. Whether you are experiencing it yourself, you know someone who's experiencing it, or you're just curious to learn more, this podcast will provide valuable information that will help you understand domestic abuse more deeply, spot some red flags, and discover some ways to recover. Welcome to The Secrets in the Powder Room, where we share stories and open up conversations about all the secrets women are forced to keep out of fear and shame. I'm Louise Bryant, professional, certified coach, intuitive eating counselor and trauma informed domestic abuse specialist and survivor. I'm here to support you on your healing journey and help you feel like you're not alone. This is not to be replaceable. For your own professional, medical or legal advice, this podcast contains adult language and content. Listener discretion is advised.

Today we're going to be talking about domestic abuse in the UK. Domestic abuse refers to any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behavior, violence or abuse between those age 16 and over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. Abuse can include, but is not limited to physical, psychological, sexual, financial and emotional abuse. It can happen in any type of relationship and it affects millions of people over the UK every year. To help us understand what domestic abuse looks like, it looks like in the UK, I'll be sharing a breakdown of my own research and training combined. It's not extensive, but a quick and useful place to start to explain where domestic abuse comes from and what are the red flags and what it looks like for some people, and what help and support that is out there for dealing with domestic abuse. So domestic abuse, as I said, can happen to anyone, regardless of race, gender, social or economical status. The more people know about the different forms of domestic abuse, the more they can recognise it when it's happening and help those that are experiencing it.

Domestic abuse is a serious worldwide issue and it's never easy to endure or to overcome. Survivors often feel trapped and powerless, fearing their safety and that of their loved ones. Nevertheless, it's important to know that you're not alone and help is available. We should not be using the term domestic violence anymore because not all domestic abuse is violent and it could be confusing for some people to recognise that what is happening to them or a loved one is abuse if there's no physical violence involved. So domestic abuse can take different forms, including physical abuse, which is like any kind of physical harm affecting a person, inflicted on a person, such as hitting, slapping, kicking or even pushing. This is the most recognisable form of abuse. There's verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is any speech that causes emotional harm to a person.

This includes yelling, screaming, threatening or cursing sexual abuse. So this involves coercing or forcing a partner into sexual acts. A victim may feel they don't have a choice and they can't say no. Financial abuse this is the type of abuse that a partner limits their partner's access to money. It can involve controlling the victim's access to their bank's accounts, limiting their ability to work, or preventing them from paying any kind of bills. They might not let them have their own money or accounts. Emotional abuse. So this involves a partner using verbal language to cause emotional pain or damage to their partner.

And this can include name calling, constant criticisms, manipulation and gaslighting. So that's that. Coercive, controlling behaviour and gaslighting. Emotional abuse. It all kind of come under that umbrella. You also have digital and online abuse and revenge porn, which is revealing sexually explicit images or videos of a person post on the internet, typically by a former sexual partner without the consent of the person in order to cause them distress, embarrassment and humiliation. So called honor based violence is a collection of practices used predominantly to control the behaviour of women and girls within families or other social groups in order to protect supposed cultures and religious beliefs, values and social norms in the name of honor. There's also forced marriages and female genital mutilisation FGM.

So it's important to recognise that domestic abuse is not a one off incident. It happens over an extended period of time and can get worse over time and the victim might feel trapped and unable to escape. The cycle of abuse and domestic abuse will affect one in four women and one in four men and two women a week are killed by their current or ex partner. And that's just in the UK. I had been in an abusive relationship on and off for about seven years and this abuse continued for years after as we shared a child together. So still had to have contact until my child was old enough to make his own arrangements with his father. It's challenging to summarise how this experience made me feel, but the one thing I'm sure about that it made me turn inwards and question everything in my life. I knew that my life with this person had to change.

I knew that for my own sanity and for everyone involved, for our own sanitary and our own safety, this relationship had to end. It was a long and challenging road to finally leave that relationship. The way he would play the nice guy to win me back, just to start the abuse cycle again and again, over and over. And it's not just about physically leaving the abusive partner, but it's also about leaving the feelings, faults and assumptions that come with being in a relationship. Especially if you have children together or a big commitment like a mortgage or a dog or a business together that you thought was permanent. It took a lot of work, dedication and support from others to process the experience and heal. So some red flags to look for, obviously. Physical Violence this is the most obvious sign of abuse, and it can range from, like I said before, pushing, slapping, choking to severe physical violence.

Another flag is isolation. This is one of the most common tactics used by an abuser. They'll often isolate their partner from their family friends, making it easier to control them. Jealousy. While it's normal for a partner to feel a bit jealous every now and then, sustained intense jealousy can lead to anger and violence. This can include forbidding you from seeing friends or family constantly checking up on you, where you are, checking your phone, accusing you of cheating, making you be home within a certain time controlling Behaviour so does your partner try to control what you wear? Where you go? Who you talk to? These are signs of coercive control and could escalate into more severe physical abuse. There's verbal abuse, so this can include name calling, yelling, or using cruel language to belittle or manipulate their partner. It's important to remember that verbal abuse is still a form of abuse.

And even if there's no physical violence, it's still not okay. Financial Abuse because this can take many forms, such as restricting access to money, running up debt in your name, or forcing you to quit your job. With financial abuse, the abuser has the power of their partner's ability to support themselves and leave the relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these red flags, it's important to seek help immediately. There are resources available around the clock to support individuals in abusive relationships. Always remember that abuse is never okay. It's important to understand that you're not alone and you don't have to stay in an abusive relationship. Seek professional help, talk to a family member or a trusted friend and report it to the police.

Domestic abuse can have severe and long lasting effects on a victim, including problems with your mental health such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, physical harm such as bruises, cuts, broken bones. Victims of domestic abuse may feel like they have lost control of their lives. They may feel isolated, have low self worth, and feel like they've got nowhere to turn for help. Recognising these signs can enable a survivor of domestic abuse to take the necessary steps to protect themselves and their loved ones. It's important to understand that you don't have to endure domestic abuse alone, and that there are support systems and resources in place to help you through this difficult time. Seeking Support from Loved Ones one of the most critical steps of overcoming domestic abuse is seeking support from loved ones. Often, survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed to reveal that they are a victim of domestic abuse. However, it's essential to understand that abuse is not the victim's fault and help is available.

So telling a trusted friend or family member the truth about the situation is a first step as this can help support you emotionally, but make sure this person is a trusted person. You don't want to talk to somebody who's going to go and confront him or the person that's been abusive to you and put you in any danger. So you need to make that clear with who you're speaking to. Once you've survived domestic abuse or could we say once you've left an abusive partner or moved away from an abusive family member, the journey of healing and growth needs to begin. Many survivors find it helpful to join support groups where you can meet other people who've been through a similar experience. Support groups provide an opportunity to share experiences, gain insight from others, and receive expert advice on how to recover and heal and move forward in your life. Talking to a professional who has an understanding of domestic abuse is really important. Domestic abuse is a traumatic experience that leaves deep emotional scars.

Seeking professional help from a coach, a counsellor, a therapist, a psychotherapist can support overcoming these scars. He or she can provide emotional support and guidance, as well as tools and techniques to help you cope with the trauma and heal. When looking for a therapist, look for someone who specialises in working with survivors of domestic abuse. Therapy can take many forms, from group sessions to individual sessions. The goal of the therapy is to work through the trauma so you can eventually reclaim your life and feel empowered again. Healing from domestic abuse is a long process that requires time, patience and commitment. However, it is possible. Here are some self help strategies to aid you in your healing from trauma and domestic abuse.

Practice self Care so take time each day for self care. Also focus on getting enough rest, exercise eat a balanced, healthy diet to improve your physical and mental well being. Journaling write down your feelings and emotions. Journaling can help you process your emotions without judgment and help you obtain clarity on your experiences. Yoga and meditation Yoga and meditation are traditional forms of stress reduction and relaxation techniques that support the healing process. Both yoga and meditation help you tap into your inner strength, focusing on your mind and your positivity, and manage your stress. Another thing you can do is surround yourself with positive people. They say that you become the five people that you spend the most of your time with, so just pick wisely.

While you might lose contact with some people who didn't support you through your domestic abuse or your ordeal, focus on those who do. Bring positive energy and support you. Surrounding yourself with positive people who love you and care for you can make a massive difference in your healing and recovery process. And take baby steps. Taking baby steps towards progress can make all the difference. It's important not to put too much pressure on yourself and your healing timeline. Set yourself smart goals, making sure that they're obtainable so you don't put too much pressure on yourself. But it's good to have something to work towards, and this can help you establish control over your life, boost your self esteem, and make you feel more confident.

Like I said, be realistic about what you're creating. This can make you feel proud of your progress, no matter how small it may seem. Moving Forward surviving domestic abuse is a challenging and courageous journey that requires time, patience and the right resources. When you're ready, you can take the steps towards making a new life for yourself. Here are some steps to take as you move forward. Celebrate your strengths and successes surviving domestic abuse is no small feat. It's something to celebrate. Create a positive Mindset a positive mindset is critical to help your healing journey.

Focus on the present moment and positive affirmations and also lots of gratitude. Let go of the past. Accept the past as it is and let it go. Remember, the future is yours and you can shape and make it. Make a new life for yourself. Moving forward and finding opportunities to create a new life for yourself. Whether it's a new job, a new city, or surrounding yourself with positive people for a more fulfilling future, the scars of domestic abuse can last a lifetime. However, with the right support, self care and guidance, survivors of domestic abuse can regain control over their lives and reclaim their sense of personal empowerment.

So if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, don't suffer in silence. Reach out for help and ask for support. Whether you seek professional help, join a support group or practice self care, know that healing is possible and a life free from domestic abuse is attainable. Remember, domestic abuse is not your fault and you deserve to live a life free from violence and control. If you're in an abusive relationship, remember you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline. Or if you're in any immediate danger, call Nine Nine Nine. If you're out of an abusive relationship and would like my support in your healing journey, you can connect with me on Instagram or email me to find out more about my coaching workshops and support groups. All links in show notes.